“When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.”
― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind
Childhood is a crucial period of development-children get the opportunity to explore different interests, indulge in play and develop their identities. And it is invaluable when parents provide a secure and supportive space for them to do so. But this might not be a reality for a lot of people.
Parentification, as a term, was used to describe parental characteristics and responsibilities that were being shifted to the children. In other words, parentification happens when there is a role reversal between the duties of parent and child to a pathological extent. Children who experience parentification might grow up with a poor sense of self-versus-others needs and take up roles usually reserved for adults.
In India, there is a lack of studies on parentification within families. Parent-child relationships and boundaries are seen differently in our society when compared to the West. That, unfortunately, does not lessen the impacts of this phenomenon. Parentification, when seen through our culture’s context, still affects the roles that we expect from adults and children. It can negatively impact parent-child relationships to change how children learn to view themselves.
What Does it look like?
Studies have usually narrowed down parentification to two key areas where children or adolescents support caregivers and other family members.
Instrumental Parentification happens when children are assigned tasks like paying bills, looking after household chores, and running errands. When these tasks are paired with words of encouragement and praise, it can instill a sense of accomplishment and enable one to learn skills that would help in adulthood. But in households where caregivers have medical needs or are absent, it can create an environment where the child becomes the ‘adult’. In such situations, words of affirmation and praise are also missing.
Emotional Parentification is considered the more harmful of the two. Here, the child or adolescent is expected to provide emotional support when parents face emotional distress, be a confidant, provide solutions, and be a mediator during conflicts. Usually, this can happen along with instrumental conditioning; the child ends up providing support beyond their level of maturity.
Is Parentification a Western Concept with no relevance in India?
Much research about boundaries and parentification has indeed been in the West, primarily among Europeans/White Americans. But the implications of parentification can go beyond a single community or race. Within Indian families, roles played by parents/ caregivers and children have been distinct and, at times, hierarchical. Caregivers usually take up responsibilities related to major decision-making, financial needs, home management, and emotional management of the children.
The children, on the other hand, are ideally not expected to be involved in giving emotional support, taking part in major decision-making, or taking up financial responsibilities. But it is hardly the reality for everybody; many children have had to provide emotional support to their parents or siblings, share financial duties, and learn to prioritize others’ needs over their own. When these happen excessively, the person experiences long-term consequences that affect many facets of their life.
The weight of being responsible for others at a young age that goes beyond their developmental bandwidth is bound to burden them and disrupt typical regular development.
Hence, the impact of parentification might need more attention from researchers and psychologists.
What are the consequences of parentification?
Studies show that, like many childhood experiences, parentification could have some long-lasting consequences.
- “Am I at fault?” Internalizing blame. Many people who have experienced parentification might grow up to take all the burden of others’ emotions and needs- which can often be unrealistic. Not being able to meet all the responsibilities can lead to self-blame, feeling overwhelmed, and feeling incompetent.
- The “I don’t know who I am” statement. Many children going through this experience often mention this statement. Children usually grow up to be adults who struggle with their identity and sense of self; it might be difficult for them to prioritize themselves over others.
- The emotional toll of parentification. Many people have also spoken about experiencing anxiety and depression in their adulthood. Parentified children have been seen, in some instances, to show emotional outbursts, academic problems, difficulty with maintaining interpersonal relationships, and other far-reaching effects.
- The other side of the coin. Even though parentification is known to have several negative consequences, there are some instances where parentified children grow up to have greater autonomy in life and have stronger bonds within the family and other relationships as well as a sense of identity. But the things that make it possible are a supportive environment, acknowledging the child’s efforts and not burdening them with too many responsibilities.
As children, we experience life in a way that is usually distinct from that of adults. When the roles are switched, and children take up the responsibilities of adults in their lives, they might end up shouldering more than they are capable of. An analogy that could fit here is that of a beginner athlete running a marathon without proper training- it could lead to detrimental injuries. Like this marathon runner, parentified adults and children need time to recuperate and learn new sustainable ways to achieve their milestones. So, it does help to reach out to talk, process these experiences and make sense of them as much as possible. Lindsay C Gibson is a psychologist who has written a few books on children who had to parent their family. Her books touch upon the experiences of parentified children and also share ways to provide self-care when healing from these experiences- one of her books have been mentioned in the resources.
Resources used
Borchet, J., Lewandowska-Walter, A., Połomski, P., Peplińska, A., & Hooper, L. M. (2021). The relations among types of parentification, school achievement, and quality of life in early adolescence: An exploratory study. Frontiers in Psychology, 12. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.635171
Engelhardt, J. A. (2012). Retrieved from https://www.tc.columbia.edu/media/centers-amp-labs/gsjp/gsjp-volume-pdfs/25227_Engelhardt_Parentification.pdf
Rana, R., & Das, A. (2021). Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/351101281_Parentification_A_Review_Paper
Preciado, Bertha, “Developmental Implications of Parentification: An Examination of Ethnic Variation and Loneliness” (2020). Electronic Theses, Projects, and Dissertations. 1087. https://scholarworks.lib.csusb.edu/etd/1087
Book by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting or Self- Involved Parents
Psyche Bubbles 